Growing Up [Just a Little..]

There are those times in life when things come into immediate and sharp focus. Yesterday (January 20) was one of those days. I went sailing yesterday with my dear friend Jaime aboard his beautiful Jeanneau Sunfast 37. Jaime and I have done a lot of sailing together, but not for many years (9 to be exact). Siince I bought my 1st boat in 2004, he has been one of my most influential sailing mentors. I am going to write more about him in our interview next week, but for now, suffice it to say that he is one of the most revered badasses in my life. Jaime is a self taught sailor, and one of the best and most safe that I know. He has taught me so many things, which to this day are a big part of my own sailing practice.

He is a bit injured, and Haunani is not ready yet, so we decided to team up to race double handed on his boat in the next PSSA race on Saturday. Yesterday we headed out on a practice sail as an opportunity for me to get reacquainted with his boat after all of these years. As we left the dock, he said “you are in charge today”. It felt a little awkward, but as I got into my groove, it was natural and seamless. He listened respectfully to me, and agreed with (almost :-)) everything I decided to do. We had a great sail, and as we were coming back to the dock, he told me that he could really tell how far I had come since the last time we sailed together, and that I have my “shit together”. These words were more meaningful than I can express, especially coming from him. It is always a beautiful experience to see myself (and my progress) through another’s eyes, and in this case it was especially powerful, because Jaime is really the only person who has sailed with me (as an adult) enough to gauge how far I have come. My own eyes (upon myself) can be rather harsh and unforgiving at times, so receiving this compliment was very validating for me. The main reason being the realization that, sailing skills aside, I have actually grown up a lot in the past 10 years. I know that sounds funny coming from a 48 year old, but I could immediately feel the difference in my own energy when sailing with Jaime this time. When we sailed together in the past, I tended to be very defensive and as a result a bit un-receptive. I think I was trying VERY hard to prove myself (probably to the point of being obnoxious), and surely missing valuable things I could have learned, especially from someone like Jaime. As a young woman, I always sailed with older men, and many times they weren’t very respectful of my abilities. I had to fight to be recognized as competent, and this fight continued way beyond when it actually needed to, especially with sailing. I am afraid that Jaime got the brunt of that intensity back in the day (when he was the last person that deserved it). He always respected me, and only corrected me or gave me feedback when I needed it…which I am realizing now that I needed more than I realized.

I wish I could better convey how deep this realization has been to me, but the bottom line is that I am so grateful for the humility that builds with age, as well as the space that it creates for true growth and learning!

P.S. Since I wrote the above draft, I came down with a terrible flu and had to miss our race which is starting right as I post this. I am so sad to miss it, but send all my best wishes to all of the PSSA racers today. I am with you in spirit!

No More Waiting

I am not sure when complacency finagled its way into my days. It’s unsettling to me and I have been trying to find what it is that I am supposed to learn by this turn of mood. When did I start waiting for things to happen? Where did the bright spark go that has always driven me through my days as I do even the most simple of things? I know there is an ebb and a flow in life, and I should really GET this after 48 years, but this ebb has seemed so extreme. It is as if I have lost my bearings in a huge expanse and do not know where to turn for direction. So I am just floating. There is discomfort in the floating, yet it has taken hold and until this morning anything else has seemed taxing and scary even. 

My usual solace in times like these has been taking to the sea aboard my beautiful Haunani. She is unable to help right now though, as she has been sitting in her slip, torn apart and without a rudder for the past 2 months. The reason for this (upgrading so many things for my upcoming sailing adventures) is very exciting, but the reality of being without her has been challenging, especially when I feel as I do right now. I am so grateful to my friends with boats who have taken me out with them over this time, but as wonderful as those sails have been, there is nothing for me like the medicine of being out there alone, on my own boat.

I feel like I myself have been without a rudder the past few months, with little or no control over my path. Its as if I have been temporarily blind to all of the resources within my reach, as well as the ones within my own being. Thank God something shifted this morning and a veil has lifted. I can see and feel what is around me more clearly, and it feels as though things are coming to life. Not unlike a limb waking up after being asleep. I feel tingly and uncomfortable, but also excited at the prospect of movement.

I suppose January 10 is a perfect day then to jump whole-heartedly into this exciting year! NO MORE WAITING! I have never been a wait-er, and my brief dip into the waters of this lifeless place was enough for me. That’s not to say I will not be patient, but I will be actively patient, and at the core of that action will be self-love and self-nurturing. It will not be the kind of action of years past that drives me to the point of depletion and pain; it will be gentle action that always remains in sync with my inner compass.

SO...here is to trusting that compass. Here is to truth: speaking it, living it and allowing it to guide me. Here is to trusting the power of vulnerability and not recoiling from its aftermath. Here is to valuing myself more by trusting myself deeply and taking a stand when I need to. Here is to being fierce and not throwing myself under the bus for another’s comfort. Here is to actively honoring the grace and beauty that exists in every moment of every day. Here is to loving without fear. Here is to creating. Here is to listening, and making space for the muse. Here is to honoring all that I have created and worked for in my life by relishing in each and every detail and blessing. Here is to cultivating good health.  Here is to joy, peace, contentment and bliss: may I see that these things always exist if I allow them in. Here is to asking what I can do each day to be of service in even the smallest of ways. And finally, here is to trusting my strength, skills and wisdom enough to know that I can embark on the biggest vision quest of my life on July 2, 2016.