Saying Goodbye to My Haunani

Until today, I hadn’t worked on my Haunani in over a month. Life and other obligations have gotten in the way, but time is ticking down and we need to get the horrible job of dissembling her completed for once and for all. Even though the sting of her loss gets a little easier with time, I have never gotten used to seeing her in such a state of destruction and disarray. I was pretty “together” for most of the day today, but when it came time to leave, I had a moment. I was looking around at her trusty bones, and a wave of emotion came over me stopped me in my tracks. Everyone else was outside, so I allowed myself the moment. I allowed the sadness to well up and the tears to flow. I closed my eyes and remembered the feeling of her strength as she and I barreled across the Pacific together. As I sat there  in her companionway (my favorite spot on my trip) in an urban boat yard, I could almost feel the motion of her strong back as she spirited us through the crazy seas and wind that spiced up our journey to Hawaii. I wandered around to each little space that holds so many memories and let myself take them all in. I even caught myself hugging the bulkhead at one point as I said a long and tearful thank you to my beautiful girl.

I thanked her for being a catalyst for change and healing in my life. I thanked her for giving me the confidence and courage to put one foot in front of the other from the day I bought her to the moment we made it all the way to Hanalei Bay. I thanked her for being so stout and steadfast and for making me feel so safe in the middle of a vast and stormy ocean. I thanked her for all the good times, all the Catalina trips, all the times she provided sacred space for healing and introspection. I thanked her for the hard lessons as well as the smooth ones. I know it’s crazy but I feel like I am talking to a person when I talk to her. I love her so much and I am going to miss her so much when she is really gone. I wish we could sail together one last time, but I know now that our time together ended as it was meant to, and our last epic sail together will forever be emblazoned upon my heart and soul. There will never be another Haunani, that is for sure. 

Cassiopeia's First Race

Saturday was my 1st race on Cassiopeia! It was also my 1st race period on my own boat, outside of PSSA races (and of course the SHTP). It was the first of the Berger/Stein Series races and it was from Marina Del Rey to Malibu and return. Being near the start line as everyone was tacking around waiting to begin, was such a wonderful experience. I knew most of the boats, and was now seeing them all from the vantage point of my own as I sailed by them waiving hellos and shouting good lucks! I missed being aboard dear Eggemogin, as I had in the two years prior, but this was a new beginning for me, and I was excited to try something new. We didn’t have much wind, but it was a lovely day to be on the water! I was lucky enough to be double handing with my dear friend Whitall, who taught me so much in one day about light air sail trim, and despite the super light conditions, we were able to keep moving all day. We, like almost everyone else, aborted the race just before sunset (about 2nm from our mark in Malibu). It was futile to try to finish in those conditions, and I was just happy we got as far as we did. The sunset was reason enough to be out there anyhow, and we heartily drank in the beauty and solace that unfolded before our eyes as we made our way home. I was literally moved to tears by the majesty of it all.

It’s hard to accurately convey why every sunset on the water can drop me to my knees. No matter how many I have witnessed or how frequently I witness them. It always feels new, and it invokes a sense of reverence in me like nothing else I have ever felt. Nature in general, and the sea in particular is truly my “church”. I feel the closest connection to spirit when I am out there, and the sunset hour seems to be the most sacred of those times. As the sun splashes its light along the horizon, the veil between worlds seems to be almost non-existent, and I can viscerally experience being one with God, nature, the universe (whatever you want to call it....to me it is all the same). Being on the sea is where I can most easily connect with the indescribable magic of that realm. I always try to capture the magic in images and video, and this time I think I came pretty close, although nothing is like being there in person drinking in in with every fiber of my being.

Sacred Horizons

January 3, 2017

Six months ago today, I witnessed the first of seventeen majestic sunrises over the Pacific as I made my way to Kauai on my beloved sailboat, Haunani. The day before, I sailed out under the Golden Gate Bridge past anything familiar and into a 360’sphere that would change me forever. I have said before that my journey didn’t really change me, but rather reminded me of who I really was. I was indeed reminded of what was inside me all along, but I am realizing now, that that very fact has changed me. I feel I am on the precipice of something profound, and watching San Francisco disappear in my wake and then arriving in Hanalei Bay seventeen days later was just the beginning of my transformation.

When I reflect on my journey, the most stirring memories I have are of the stunning sunrises I was blessed to witness. The glow of the sun slowly illuminating the dramatic horizon was an elixir for my heart and soul and motivation for my weary body. The sun would come up again, no matter how treacherous or stormy the night, and would evoke a sense of wonder and promise in me no matter my mood. She would shine a light across the sacred horizon to illuminate the mysteries of the night and transform them into possibility and motivation. It was like being born again every day. No matter what the disposition of the sea, the sunrise was a shot of grace into my soul that would without fail remind me of all that is right in the world, and renew my determination.

It is in the spirit of that renewed determination, and also the necessary release of my beloved Haunani, that I rename this blog “Sacred Horizons”. I am as ever, gazing out into the mysterious promise of luring horizons with hope and determination as I navigate this next phase of my life’s adventure.