Offshore Prep :: Cassiopeia and I are almost ready!

There is a familiar sense of excitement bubbling up in me right now. Preparations have begun in earnest to get Cassiopeia and me ready to go offshore this winter leading up to our big trip to Hawaii in the 2020 Shaka Challenge. As much as Hawaii is a big goal, I am learning that singlehanding the Guadalupe Island race in March might trump it in intensity and personal challenge (or so I have been warned).  All warnings have been taken under advisement, and I am committed to doing it anyway……..typical ! The fire in my belly grows every day, as the reality of going offshore again becomes palpable. I have the drive to push myself and learn more deeply about what it takes to be out there alone. I am excited to feel Cassiopeia step up to a new challenge as well. After 2 1/2 years, I know her so well now, and I am finally ready to venture over the horizon with her as my steed.

PSSA’s famed Guadalupe Island race takes place every two years and is touted by almost every veteran I have talked to as a huge challenge, and one which they would think twice about undertaking again. It is 650nm and the course is from Marina Del Rey to Guadalupe Island, Mexico and back to Catalina Island. The run to Guadalupe is usually downwind, and can be quite pleasant. It is the beat back up the coast that is reputed to be a huge ass kicking. Over 300nm of upwind sailing at a time of year when huge winds are likely. Is it weird that I am actually excited for this?

Bishop Rock and Guadalupe Island are Category 2 and 1 offshore races, respectively, so I have a laundry list of items to check off in preparation. There will be an inspection of Cassiopeia to make sure that we are in compliance for each race. Most of the items are safety related, including a life raft, which thankfully, I already own. I’ll attach a list below to give an idea of what else is required. Needless to say, with 3 weeks left until Bishop Rock, I am in turbo project mode to get ready. Bishop Rock will be a great shakedown sail for Guadalupe Island in March. It is 165 nm round trip, straight out from Marina Del Rey and around the rock at the notorious Cortez bank and back to Catalina.

Given the challenging conditions I will likely be facing offshore, I have made some additions to boat. The fist thing I dealt with was my sail plan, with the expert support of my friend and longtime sailmaker, Oliver McCann, of UK Sailmakers. Oliver has been making my sails since 2004, and I trust him implicitly. Here’s what we decided: I am finally putting 3rd reef points in my mainsail. I am having a new furling Gennaker made for reaching (and ease of deployment), and I am also cutting down and re-purposing my 98% jib (that came with my boat) to be used with a furler on a semi permanent inner stay. This will help (especially upwind) when winds are high and I am unable to use my giant 140% Genoa. That genny is awesome, and I am able to reef it on its furler, but I have found that in higher wind (20+), it is more than a handful to reef, and I would rather have a smaller sail altogether. The inner stay will also serve as the stay for my storm jib if I should need it. 

My friend and rigger, Mary Ellen Rose is, as always, guiding me and installing all things rigging. To support my new sail plan, we are installing a Mariner furling system as the inner stay, which is an old but reliable system, and most importantly to me, can be retracted when not in use. There is a lot that goes along with the new sails, and Mary Ellen will be setting me up with all of the rigging necessary for the additions. A little side note about Mary Ellen: She is a true badass, and a huge inspiration to me. She has been a rigger in the marina for a very long time, and started at a time when women riggers were not the norm (they still aren’t, by the way, at least not around here). She has held her own in a male dominated field, and is a wealth of information. She will never lead you astray and is always looking for practical ways to achieve your goals. I highly recommend her. Every time we work together, I learn so much. Not only is she a badass rigger, but she is a wonderful human being, and I adore her!

Last but not least on my list of super cool additions to Cassiopeia, is a Hydrovane self-steering vane. This vane is incredible and has a stellar reputation around the world. Its design is simple and powerful and will handily steer my big boat in all conditions without using any power. A very important feature for me is that it can also be used as an emergency rudder if needed. Category 1 races (Guadalupe Island and Hawaii) require an emergency rudder, so this amazing device kills 2 birds with one stone (I really hate that saying). Everyone I have talked to, and all of the reviews I have read, rave about the Hydrovane and it’s efficacy and dependability. I am very excited to try it out!  We are laying out the installation as I write this, and I should have it working by Bishop Rock. Beyond all this, I really only have one large project left (famous last words), which is to install the drive unit and brain of my NKE autopilot. Both of these projects are being headed up by Jerome Sammarcelli (the guy who roped me into all this singlehanded offshore sailing in the first place) of Sailutions USA, with me as his (hopefully) helpful assistant. 

It is the dawn of a new chapter in my sailing experiences, and I can feel it. There are new challenges to face, new things to learn adn new distances to be traveled. I am ready and fired up to dive in and see where this journey continues to take me.

 Guadalupe Island Preview

New Horizons :: A Clearing of The Clouds

A year ago today I was literally sh*tting my pants with nerves. I was about 2 days away from casting off into an adventure on which I had no idea what would transpire. As I wrote about in my blog then, there was the chaotic last minute boat prep scramble, and the nerves around what I was about to do. What I did not share, however, was that there was also a lot of personal turmoil going on during these days. I didn’t have bandwidth to acknowledge it back then (or I would have surely lost my mojo), but it wounded my heart and soul deeply. It STILL takes its toll on me, and I am frustrated with myself about that…and angry that I let it do so back then. It has remained a cloud over my journey for a long time, and am ready to clear it. I won’t go into details, but I will say that I need to let it go and wholly reclaim my journey for the huge and transformational undertaking that it was.

As the one-year anniversary of my departure approaches, I have been revisiting many aspects of my experience. The ones you see on my social media are the easier ones to share. This part is a bit more delicate, but to stay in line with all that I am embracing in the wake of my trip, I am called to honor all aspects of my experience, not just the “positive” ones

I have touched on my depression in the months after my return, but I never fully revealed the whole story for I am only now ready to admit the depth of it. It was partially due to the destruction of my beloved Haunani, but it was also due to this unresolved energy from an unfortunate situation that hovered over my trip and return home. That made it impossible to fully embody the joy that should have come from such a feat. I am finally coming out of my melancholy, and am feeling the lightness of life again and so I am able to begin to embrace the magnitude of what I actually accomplished. I am grateful to my years for the knowledge that everything is temporary (which is what got me through), but even with that, it has been an emotionally challenging year.

As I get Cassiopeia ready for the 2020 Singlehanded Transpac, I can see that I have a huge opportunity. I have the opportunity to have a do-over if you will, and at the same time to reclaim the gift of my original journey by relating to it differently. I am trying to hold these things as a banner of inspiration as I prepare myself.

It helps that having done this before, I feel much less angst as I ready my boat for 2020. I am able to approach the process with more awareness and finesse.  I am a significantly different sailor and boat owner than I was one year ago, and that alone makes me feel empowered. Due to this increased awareness, I can be much more in control of the process than I was able to be last year. I have more time and space in which to make thoughtful decisions. I also have much less of a budget to work with, which creates its own opportunity for mindful choices and prudence. All of these things make me feel more grounded in this experience.

The physical preparation is an important and necessary factor of course, but I am seeing that this time around, my emotional prep and care need to take a front seat.  I am choosing to take better care of myself as this next year and all of its responsibilities and challenges unfold. I am choosing to speak my mind more clearly when it comes to my needs and opinions. I am choosing to keep the energy around my boat and myself clean and clear of negative energy and the emotional turmoil that it inevitably creates.

These three things seem so simple, but they were things I did not so diligently attend to last time, and I was adversely affected by that. There is no way to go back and change the hard stuff, and even if I could, I would not trade the lessons that I received. What I can do is look forward and choose differently.

This is the year that I am turning 50. This is the year of stepping into my truth and strength fully. This is the year of listening to my gut and trusting it. I proved to myself beyond a shadow of a doubt by sailing alone for 2500 miles that I CAN TRUST MYSELF. Now it is time to live that truth on land! No more playing small. No more not speaking up when I know the answer. No more accepting crumbs and convincing myself it is the whole cake. No more putting others’ emotional needs before my own, or as I often describe it, “throwing myself under the bus for another’s comfort”. This is the year of finally understanding that what other people think of me is none of my business.

The ways that I have been supporting myself in doing this are many. I found hypnotherapy, which after 20+ years of talk therapy seems like a magic carpet ride to freedom. With the help of an expert team, I took all of the footage from my journey and turned it into a short documentary. Watching the footage over the past year slowly and firmly planted in my soul the affirmation that I indeed sailed alone across a vast and stormy ocean, and into my own truth and power. Releasing this film into the public eye and allowing others to witness my experience is a bold (and scary) move for me of reclaiming my journey for my own. Grieving the loss of Haunani over the six months of her deconstruction allowed me to acknowledge how she healed me, and also to let go of her so that I could allow space for new adventures on a new vessel. Grieving the loss of a love and the illusion that I created around it is still a work in progress, but is allowing me to learn about self-forgiveness more than anything else. This is probably the single most important lesson that I feel called to learn right now.

Just as it did on the morning of my arrival to Hanalei, the heavy shroud of fog and clouds is lifting, and I am seeing my own rainbow framing all of the hope and possibility of a new year and a new phase of my life. I am so grateful to the darkness and to the challenges and successes of this past year. I am especially grateful to all of the beautiful humans in my life who when I am down, always remind me that there is hope, that trust is possible, that love conquers all, and especially for holding up a mirror and reminding me who I am and what I am made of.

I am grateful. I am excited. I am ready for 50! I am ready to sail across the ocean again

BRING  IT  ON!!!!!!!!

Meet Cassiopeia!

I will always mourn the loss of my beloved Haunani, but as time goes on I am healing, and the sadness is lifting. Now that my insurance claim is settled, I feel it timely to introduce my new love, Cassiopeia. She is a 2005  Hanse 37. As I deconstruct Haunani, I am upgrading Cassiopeia and preparing her to be my companion in the next frontier of my sailing adventures. She is a lovely lady, a bit more sophisticated and "fancy" than my rugged Haunani, but she is comfy fun and FAST! I look forward to learning from her as I tackle my next set of sailing goals. We have entered the 1st of The Del Rey Yacht Club Berger race series, and plan on doing all of the Pacific Singlehanded Sailing Association races this winter as well! Little by little I will replace her electronics with all of Haunani's, (VHF, AIS, digital radar Chartplotter, stereo,etc) as well as some other choice items (windlass and NKE autopilot to name a couple). I am still learning her ways, and figuring out to navigate her layout efficiently.  I could move around Haunani blindfolded, but now I find myself tripping all over Cassiopeia as I get used to her set up. Its actually comical sometimes. I am sure this will all shift soon, but I would be lying if I said it has been a seamless transition. Haunani and I were one, and I still pine for the old girl, and the familiarity of her bones. 

Home Sweet Home :: 33°57.8'N - 118°27.5'W

Hello from Venice, CA! I can currently be found wandering around my world bouncing off of various walls and items wondering what just hit me. I am staggering around my house in circles, feeling dizzy and as if I am still on my boat in huge swells. Lord knows why this is happening now, a week later, but it is. I was curious as to why I didn’t feel wobbly when I first arrived on land, maybe it is the fact that I never stopped moving from the moment of my arrival in Hanalei until now. All I know for sure is that I have never felt so exhausted or off kilter in my life.

The reality of what I just accomplished hits me in waves, and my emotions are on high. I find myself in tears (of joy, relief, exhaustion) at various moments. Once such moment was on Monday morning when I saw my Haunani in a sling dangled by an enormous crane (did I mention we had to have our OWN crane...typical!) above the pavement at Nawiliwili Harbor. For some reason the magnitude of my journey hit me in that moment. It was a symbolic snapshot wrapping up the last year. She looked so vulnerable up there that it brought me to tears. She looked haggard and beat up…I suppose we both are, and understandably so, after our epic journey across the wild Pacific.

Let me back up for a moment…….Thomas arrived in Kaua’i on Friday evening to help me prepare Haunani for her journey home. Out of everyone in my life, he is the one the most closely entwined with Haunani and me in this adventure, so it only seemed right that he be there to celebrate the culmination of this journey (although he may dispute the use of word celebrate since most of our time was spent working). Our plan was to take Haunani to Nawiliwili early the next morning so that we could dissemble her in preparation for her haul out. Our plans were aborted after about 30 minutes heading out to sea. It was rough and we were moving at about 2 knots against huge swells and wind on our bow. The usual 6 hour trip at this rate would have taken us most likely double that. So we grabbed the blessing in disguise and settled back onto our anchor. Spending a few unplanned relaxing hours in majestic Hanalei Bay aboard Haunani before being shuttled by my parents to Nawiliwili for the banquet was just what the doctor ordered!

The banquet was a wonderful affair, graciously hosted by the Nawiliwili Yacht Club. I loved being amidst my fellow sailors and their families. My favorite part of the evening was hearing each skipper talk about their experience and express their feelings about this amazing feat. I was so honored to be in the company of such brave and wonderful souls!

The next morning we got out to Haunani and were quickly on our way to Nawiliwili. Within about 10 minutes, the engine overheated (for still unknown reasons), and we were committed to a long sail. It was wet, wet, wet, but we finally made it in about 7.5 hours. I was an exhausted wreck the whole time, to say the very least, but did my best to be a good little sailor on the way over. At one point though, I remember seeing the look on Thomas’ face as he watched me with a mix of curiosity and disbelief as I cranked a winch at about 1/20th my normal speed. Between that, my apparent narcolepsy and the turtle pace with which I was doing everything else on the boat, I am sure he wondered how I ever made it across the Pacific! We arrived in Nawiliwili that afternoon, and due to Thomas’ mad docking expertise, we were able to quickly drop sails and use the engine for 4 minutes before it had a chance to overheat to get Haunani settled. That’s when the fun began….

Did I mention it was WET? I hadn’t experienced this kind of sogginess since my childhood growing up in Pa’auilo Mauka. We started the grueling process of preparing Haunani for haul out in a hearty rain shower. I was operating at about half capacity and Thomas at his usual x10 (he can seriously do the work of 10 people at any given time). I mustered every last bit of energy I had, and between the two of us and some much appreciated help from Yves, we got her mostly ready by dinnertime. We were drenched and delirious by the end of it, but shook it off with a nice meal and a couple of beverages with Yves before his departure to LA. The next morning was even more of a whirlwind, this time with some gross, muggy and hot weather to make it even more interesting. We started at 6am, and by 11:30, Haunani was nestled and secured on her trailer for her journey home. Everything that had to be stowed in her cabin was wet, and the smell I am sure will only ripen with her weeks en route to LA. As Thomas said, “we did 2 days work in about 10 hours”, and man did we both feel it. To be fair, Thomas did most of it, and as always, blew my mind with his efficiency, determination and skill. Just to give you and idea of my contribution in comparison…it took me about 10 minutes to pull out one cotter pin. OK, well maybe it wasn’t QUITE that bad, but it sure felt like it. And I know I looked the part….stinky and disheveled was the look du jour, my hands looked like peeling prunes, and my body felt like a mack truck had run over me a few times.

Haunani was finally delivered to Matson, and until she arrives back here in LA, in that moment, the circle was closed. It was an ecstatic and emotional moment when I walked away, entrusting my valiant steed to the shipping Gods. I have to shout out to a lovely man I met at Matson. His name is Ke’au and the minute I met him I felt like I somehow knew him…probably because he immediately made me feel so comfortable with the way that he embodied the Aloha spirit of my childhood. He was somehow all of the lovely gentle men of my island upbringing. As we got to talking, and he became aware what I had just done, he was visibly taken aback and moved, and in the most sweet and authentic way. He gave me a huge hug and bid me “aloha”….his parting words in his sing song-y island intonations were: “that is such an amazing accomplishment… I don’t even know you, but I am so proud of you” I think I even saw a tear in his eye, and I walked away from him feeling so grateful, not to mention, wrapped in true aloha.

The rest of the day was lovely and very sleepy culminating in a red eye flight home. We arrived in LA at 5am the next day not knowing what hit us. As I said, since then I have been wandering around in a haze. I am allowing myself this time to regroup, re-coop and re-enter. My normal tendency to push and be intolerant of such “laziness” in myself has necessarily been let go. I honestly don’t have a choice, and am grateful that I have the time and space to do so. Back to work on Sunday, but until then chances are good that you might catch a glimpse of my aimless wanderings around my neighborhood and life.

love these two so much!! Yves Vergnolle and Joe Barry, my PSSA buddies who were also on this big adventure!

all of the skippers of the 2016 singlehanded transpac.I was honored to be in such good company!

almost to the harbor

San Francisco!!

I am writing this post from my brother’s home in Tiburon, CA.  I have been here many times, but until now had only ever arrived by plane or car. My arrival to the bay area this time will never be forgotten. Haunani, my trusty crew (Thomas Lehtonen and Piño Moreau), and I passed under the breathtaking Golden Gate Bridge on Monday morning after traveling 400 miles up the coast in 2.5 days.

I had been gearing up to make this journey for days (well, months really), and preparations were coming along well, if not getting a little down to the wire. Our projected departure date was the following Wednesday evening. We were watching the weather carefully, as this trip is renowned for its treacherous and uncomfortable conditions. On Friday morning, Thomas got a call from one of his friends who is an experienced captain, who was watching the weather for us. He reported that a perfect weather window had developed and that we should leave that day. Thomas and I looked at the weather together and saw the changes of which his friend spoke. The next 3 days were beyond perfect for this trip….almost too good to be true. Not only that, if we waited, and left when planned, we would be faced with huge winds and rough conditions. We (along with my friends Cecile and Whitall on Cecile’s boat, Aeriagnie) decided in about 5 minutes to leave that night. The mayhem that ensued is now a blur, but it was indeed mayhem. We finished a few things on the boat, provisioned, filled fuel cans, packed (me for 1.5 months), and cast off from my slip at 10pm. I could not have made this happen without my amazing friends Gabi and Silvia who rallied (as they always do) beyond the call of duty to help me on my way.

We left Marina Del Rey on a beautiful Friday night after one of the most spectacular sunsets I have seen in a long time. The trip that ensued could not have been more wonderful. Under the guidance of Thomas who has done this trip many times, we made our way safely and efficiently up the coast with only one stop in Santa Barbara for fuel. We had beautifully calm conditions, and encountered different types of whales, dolphins, and glowing jelly fish along the way. Rounding the potentially treacherous Point Conception was a breeze, and for that I was very grateful! The sunsets were spectacular as was the company. Piño and Thomas kept me in stitches the whole way, and were perfect crew-mates!

We motored for the entire trip except for a couple ambitious attempts to sail (one with an almost catastrophic spinnaker hoist in which Thomas saved the day with his mad skills). Haunani sang along the whole time with her newly tuned motor running like a charm. We arrived at the entrance to the bay around 10am on Monday under chilly overcast skies. Approaching and then crossing under The Golden Gate Bridge took my breath away. I could not believe that I was there crossing under that beautiful landmark on my own boat!

My sweet brother called me as we passed Tiburon town and was on the beach waiving at us and taking photos! He later greeted us at our marina, which will be Haunani’s home for the next 2 weeks as I prepare for the final push to the start of The Singlehanded Transpac!

I bid goodbye to Thomas and Piño on Tuesday afternoon, after a half day of hard work on my boat, and to be honest, I was a bit of a wreck. Saying goodbye to Thomas after working almost every day by his side for the past 9 months was emotional to say the least. His expertise and support in this endeavor have been my lifeline. I guess the reality of letting go of that tether was a bit overwhelming. I know it is necessary for me to be on my own with this now, and I embrace it, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a challenge.

Being here has made the reality of what I am about to do hit home like never before. Over the past few days, I have vacilated between excitement and nervousness on a regular basis. I find that I have to take a lot of deep breaths as I look ahead to July 2. I am feeling strong and positive, and as always am feeling so grateful for my amazing support team, friends and family! I would not be here with out each of you by my side!

Down To The Wire!

I am amazed at how time is flying by. It is June 4, and the boat is abuzz with activity and the completion of lists upon lists upon lists. Yesterday Haunani was full of industrious people on and around her all day. Thomas replaced my steering cables, and finished wiring my hydro-generator (among countless other things he always does to help everyone else). Dylan and Brian finished replacing the standing rigging, SIlvia scurried around taking photos and helping wherever she was needed. Scott and I made lee cloths. Everyone was focused and moving all day. At one point I stopped and surveyed the scene around me. As I watched everyone so intent on accomplishing their respective projects, I was hit with such a surge of gratitude for all of the people that have come together to get Haunani and me ready for this big adventure. The gratitude I feel grows every day as I feel the reality of what I am about to do hits me in waves (they get bigger all the time). This morning I rode a huge wave.

It is June 4 already! How can that be? I am leaving here in less than 10 days to head up to San Francisco. So much has been done, and there is still so much to do before that day. I am surrounded by lists and send myself about 10 emails a day reminding myself of this or that. My brain is over-full with everything from logistics to the emotions I am feeling as July 2 rapidly approaches. In the midst of that, I am trying to breathe and be fully in each moment no matter how busy I get or how pressed I feel. These are precious times, and this time of preparation is every bit as important as the journey itself. In fact this IS the journey itself. The journey encompasses so much, and I am so happy to be experiencing every part of it with every fiber of my being.

Here are some scenes from yesterday on Haunani.....

One Month Out!!!!!!!!!

I can hardly believe that I am THIS close to leaving from San Francisco! Everything seems to be in fast forward mode and is so surreal, yet I am interestingly calm. I feel settled and resolute. Yes, I am nervous, and there are still a few question marks, but all in all, I am ready. There are still many furious boat projects going on, and I imagine they will continue until the day I shove off. I keep seeing Hanalei Bay in my minds eye though, and that vision keeps me chugging forward, trusting that all I need to do and know will become clear and available at the perfect time. This keeps proving to be true, so I have no choice but to trust it! An example of this was the issue of getting my boat home from Hawaii. I have been scrambling to figure out a plan (and truthfully was starting to get a tad stressed), and through the support of so many people, a solution gracefully materialized yesterday, and within about 2 hours everything was solved. My boat is being shipped back from Kauai directly to LA! Done and done! We leave in about 2 weeks to head up the coast, and I imagine at that point reality will really hit me. Until then, I am keeping my head down and living and breathing all things Haunani.

My gratitude for all of those that support me in this adventure is so deep. There are so many people both known and unknown that continuously offer ideas, solutions, support, cheerleading and beyond. Thomas certainly remains at the top of this list. He continues to go above and beyond in every way, and has truly been my rock through all of this. I don’t know that I will ever be able to adequately express the peace and strength that his support has given me. I also want to shout out to my friends and family who have had to deal with my single-mindedness over the past 9 months. Thank you all for dealing with my scatterbrain with grace and compassion (and for issuing a million hall passes for my oversights and distraction). I love you all!

You Are As Ready As You Think You Are :: Wise Words

Yesterday was a big milestone for Haunani and me and all of the boat preparations so far. We had our safety inspection for the Singlehanded Transpac. The inspection was conducted by our designated LA area inspector for the SHTP, Whitall Stokes. I felt like I was very well prepared for the day, having gone through the checklist (what seemed to be) a million times. When Whitall arrived, we went through the list item by item. There were a few issues, and one glaring oversight on my part, but all in all it went well. By the end of the three hours that it took us to finish, my head was over full. Mostly full of thoughtful and useful recommendations from Whitall, but also of some sneaky fears that started to creep in due to all of the talk of what-ifs, safety precautions and such.

I didn’t realize how much of a toll all of this had taken on me until I woke up the next morning. I was utterly exhausted and my brain was swimming with what-ifs and potential scary scenarios that had never so vividly crossed my mind. I tried to shake it all off with a good cup of coffee, a work out and a workday on the boat, but it lingered heavily nonetheless. Thomas and I spent the afternoon working on our next batch of to-dos (which seems to be growing by the day, by the way). As focused as I was on our projects, all of my uncharacteristically paranoid thoughts continued to swirl (I hope I don’t get knocked down, what if my rudder falls off and I cannot get the e-rudder installed, what if I slip and break my leg, what if the electronics all fail and I am left to my own devices, what if I hit a shipping container, what if, what if, what if…..you get the drift). At the end of the day Thomas told me how amazing this was going to be for me, among other supportive and positive things. When I heard him say all of this, my thin veil of “toughness” was pierced, and I promptly welled up and pretty much lost it. I blurted out through my tears “I am scared”. There, I said it! Once I did, the waterworks turned on in earnest and I was able to voice every little worry from the real to the ridiculous. Thomas was, as always, the best listener and holder of space. He allowed me to let it all out, but also reassured me and helped me get back to a place of peace with it all. I am so grateful for our friendship and his support....I have no words. I am still feeling a bit raw, but I don’t want to run from that because I know that allowing these feelings is important. The process of preparing for this life changing adventure is every bit as emotional as it is logistical. The emotional was steering the ship yesterday, and I am so thankful that I am able to let my feelings out, experience them, and process them because they are an integral part of my journey. 

I suppose “scared” is an extreme term, because I am not terrified, or debilitated by the fear, but I say “scared” because this is unknown territory. As with every step of this journey, the unknowns have been daunting at times. With each experience of them however, I have moved through them to a new level of awareness… and also usually to a new fear. It’s a process and I am fully in it.

As one of my PSSA colleagues said the other day about me and my journey (when asked by another friend if he thought I was ready): “she is as ready as she thinks she is”. I am pretty sure he did not mean it to be taken in this way, but I look at this statement as a huge opportunity for me to believe in myself despite my fears…an opportunity to not allow them to derail me but rather to invite them to inspire self-inquiry and therefore growth.

Today I am feeling a bit more upbeat, and I am grateful for every feeling and nuance of this entire experience. It is already making me a stronger person, and a lot of that has come from allowing all of my feelings along the way. Its how I generally roll in life, so I am not sure why it feels more poignant in this situation, but it does.

my trusty inspector!

Two Months Out .......

As I said the other day in a Facebook post: SH*T is getting REAL around here! It seems that it has taken a lifetime to prepare myself and my boat for this adventure, but it has really only been 7 months so far, and so much has gotten done. I think for all intents and purposes, I actually have a new boat. We are on the home stretch for sure, and it is all feeling very real right now. There is a quivering air of excitement and nervousness in and around me these days, as I face and feel the reality of what I have taken on. I will be leaving San Francisco for Hanalei in 2 short months!

One of the things that continues to strike me about this endeavor is how it would not be possible without all of the amazing people in my life who support me (even when they are scared shitless and don’t really want me to do it AT all…EWC :-) ). Yes, I am the one who has to leave the dock, the shore, and the security of my land life to make it happen, but getting to that point would certainly not be happening if it weren’t for so many amazing people loving and supporting me. There are the talented people who are physically supporting my preparations, from boat prep to educating me on how to read the weather and not get lost and end up in Tahiti (although that wouldn’t be so bad actually). The loves who are emotionally there for me on a daily basis, who hear me out through my ups and downs and talk me off the ledge when I go into major self doubt mode. And then there are the people who are reading my blog or following me on Facebook (both known and unknown) who consistently send me so much support and good wishes. I also continue to receive the most amazing gifts to accompany me on my journey.  Even my emergency rudder, although a loan, is a gift of sorts, because with it comes all of the good juju of many crossings on many boats. Haunani is becoming beautifully adorned with all these amazing talismans and their good energy and she (and I) feels stronger for it.

The most moving of these gifts for me, is a little trinket I received yesterday from my dad. It is a tiny scrimshaw piece of his that I have always loved that was given to him by a dear friend years ago, before one of his Pacific crossings. It has a compass rose on one side and a little saying: “Woody don’t get lost” on the other. The words are all worn off now, but I know they are still there in spirit. I have seen that little gem on or around my dad for a long time now as his own special good luck piece. He sent it to me the other day with a beautiful card as a good luck token to be carried now on my own sailing adventures. I cannot believe this special little piece is now in my care. I am so moved, and feel it full of beautiful strength and an energy that can only come from my amazing Pop!

Sometimes it makes me so weepy, and it always makes me feel grateful to be surrounded by such beautiful souls. It makes me think of a saying by Ram Das: “we are all just walking each other home”. I know he is talking about something much more profound and esoteric here, but it is also very simple. Isn’t every adventure and every step we take in our lives a step towards home? And how beautiful to have so many lovely people to walk with! Thank you all for your love and support. I am a lucky, lucky woman!

Dad's beautiful talisman

the good luck emergency rudder all rigged up

charts, ditch bag, medical supplies...you name it, all ready to go.

3 Months From Today :: Plus A Little Shout Out

I spent the early hours of my Saturday morning lounging in bed with my dogs, drinking coffee and reading from a beautiful book that was recently given to me by a dear friend. The book is called Blue Horizons and is a wonderful collection of short pieces about some pretty badass sailing adventures. Beth Leonard’s writing style speaks deeply to my soul, my sense of adventure and how the two are inseparable. I lost myself in her dreamy prose for a couple of hours and then headed out on a beautiful Southern California day for a walk with my pups. As I meandered out onto the Venice Pier to take in the waves and the view, something hit me….today is April 2! That means that my departure for Hawaii is 3 MONTHS FROM TODAY! Deep breath! A thousand deep breaths……

I am more ready than I have ever been, yet still healthily nervous about the whole endeavor. I am living and breathing all things Haunani and sailing right now, and yet in these coming 3 months, I still have some key things to prepare on my boat, a 400-mile qualifier to complete, and a boat to get to San Francisco. More deep breaths!

Sometimes I cannot believe that this is all happening! I suppose I should not be surprised at myself, for once I decide to do a thing, there is no stopping me, least of all time constraints. Who says I can’t decide to sail to Hawaii alone and get my boat and myself ready for something I have never done before in 10 months? Ha! It makes me chuckle at myself as I look back at my history of many such (insane?) undertakings. I would like to say it is all me, my headstrong nature, and my powers of manifestation that have made this happen, but I could never have even contemplated this without the help and support of so many incredible people. The one that stands out the most however, is my dear friend and soul-brother, Thomas Lehtonen.

Thomas has been 100% on-board since I announced this hair-brained scheme last September, and has never once questioned my intentions or plans. He has gone above and beyond to bring Haunani up to and beyond par. Not only has he graced my boat with his far-reaching and unmatched expertise, but he has also graced my life with his undying support, deep loving friendship, pep talks and gut busting sense of humor. He is the first to comfort me and lift me up when things get hard, and also the first to let me go out and do what I need to do (without cautioning or judging me) when he knows I need to prove something to myself. My friendship with Thomas could never fit into any kind of description, and certainly not into this blog post, but suffice it to say, I could never have gotten here without his love and support. I love you Thomas! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

Thomas aboard his beautiful Cal 36, Runaway Blues

Hitting The Ground Running :: Haunani's Preparations So Far

On September 9, 2015, something big shifted for me. That was the day that I realized that my dream of sailing to Hawaii alone would become a reality. I think most of you have read the story of the fateful conversation that re-lit that flame for me. If not, you can read it here. I have had the goal of doing this trip before my 50th birthday, and if all goes according to plan, I will be setting sail in The Singlehanded Transpac 1.5 years before that big milestone!

reaching into marina del rey after a beautiful sail

Since that day a couple of short months ago, it has been all-go around here. I kicked it into high gear with boat and Margie (more on what that entails later) preparations. As I have done so, I realize more each day how much needs to be done (and learned). I am so blessed to have an amazing support system, ranging from my loving family, to enthusiastic friends and blog followers to my mentors and the experts who work with me on my boat. This would be beyond daunting without them!

As I write this, my boat is pretty much torn apart. To give you an idea of the scope of the preparations I am making, here is some of what is going on so far:

The rudder is off for inspection (and as it turns out, due to moisture in the rudder and expense of a repair, I am getting a new elliptical rudder), the main hatches are being replaced, the aft cabin is open and bare, ready for all kinds of electronic installations, the most exciting of which is my new NKE autopilot. I am very grateful to my biggest supporter, my amazing Dad for this incredible addition to Haunani. This system will give me so much peace of mind, as I embark upon a season of singlehanded racing, and then of course, my big trip to Hawaii in July. NKE is an impressive company that has been manufacturing high-tech autopilots for more than 30 years. You should definitely take a look at their website to get a sense of how badass this piece of equipment really is! Jerome Sammarcelli, of SAILUTIONS in Marina Del Rey imports and expertly installs these systems and will doing so with mine soon! He has used and installed many, including on his own boats, and swears by them.

being a TOTAL geek withI my new autopilot!!!! I am SO excited!

the rudder coming off...it did NOT float. It was a big job for the diver

my rudder in the divers boat

one of the samples drilled to test the rudder

we found a crack in the rudder post cap/emergency tiller insertion point

a drawing of the new rudder

the forward hatch coming off

my chart table area and old panel partially stripped of the old set up 

The New Panel...who knew I could get so excited about something like this??

My long time friend, Thomas Lehtonen (expert marine electrician/all around boat guru/sailing badass), will also be installing an AIS (Automatic Identification System), a repeater display for my chart plotter and radar down below, a new VHF radio (with all of the latest safety features), a new stereo (because I NEED my music), and a Sirius marine weather system. Along with all of that, there will be an entire re-build of my electrical panel, and a reorganization of my chart table area. There will be more to come in phase 2 (solar panels, a hydro-generator and a wind vane/emergency rudder), but this is it for now.

As far as sails and rigging go, I purchased two new sails, that I have never had on my boat before: an asymmetrical spinnaker, and a storm jib (which will be used with a moveable baby stay).  I had 2 additional reef points rigged in my main sail for a total of 3 (we rarely need more than 1 for Southern California coastal sailing). Obviously there will also be a very comprehensive safety inspection of all of my rigging as time goes on. My boat is sturdy, but she is old, and has never done any kind of offshore sailing before, so she and I are learning and growing together as we prepare!! I am involved with as much of this work as possible (at the very real risk of annoying the crap out of my team :-) ) and I am grateful to learn many new things each day.

Whew, as I read back on all of that I realize how much is already underway in a short amount of time. With the whirlwind of activity and improvements to my beloved boat, has come a certain amount of overwhelm for me personally. One of the things that stands out for me as the most important lesson stemming from this overwhelm, is the importance of being assertive and confident in all of the decision making. I know a lot more now than I did 11 years ago when I bought my 1st sailboat, and I have learned even more than that in the last 2 years of owning and sailing Haunani (both on my own and with crew). I have logged a lot of hours on this boat, and I know her very well, so this round of work on her is so much different than when I first bought her and was fixing her up. I was pretty much flying by the seat of my pants, and was much more likely to trust what someone else thought was best without thinking it through because I didn’t have the experience I have now. I tended to think that everyone else had all of the answers since they were “experts”. While on one hand that is very true and valid (I am lucky to have amazing experts to trust), I was discounting a very important expert….ME. I have a history of having a bad case of self-doubt when in the company of people who know more than I do on any given topic, and sailing has been no exception to this annoying habit. It becomes debilitating at times, and as I become a more experienced sailor embarking on more serious off-shore adventures, I am realizing how important it is for me to step up and own what I know and take charge in the decision making. This is not to say that I all of a sudden think I know everything, or that I will not rely on the expertise and experience of my mentors, but it is to say that I will be believing in and relying upon on myself MUCH more when it comes to what is best for me and my own boat. I am lucky to have people on my team that are extremely respectful of me and listen to and carefully consider my opinions, but I have to say that it has not historically been the case. This is partly I am sure, because of my own lack of confidence back then, but also because sadly, there are still those people in the sailing community who think that being a woman somehow translates into weakness or “isn’t that cute she has her own sailboat-itis". Anyway, I choose not to focus on that, but would be dishonest if I did not include that as part of my experience.

The bottom line is that Haunani is well on her way to being ready for phase one of our adventures. Our second PSSA race is on January 23rd, 2016, and by that time we will have done lots of practice sails to learn our new equipment and will be raring to get out there together!