Day 11 30’24.838N / 143’06.936W

Well I suppose this day was bound to come....I woke up feeling completely exhausted (not enough sleep the last 2 nights) and extremely grumpy. When I looked at my chart plotter, the 1000 miles ahead of me glared at me and seemed daunting at best. Last night was full of bizarre new noises, which in my mind turned into some major problem with my boat. I laid awake ruminating about my choice to head back south…or should I jibe and head back towards the rhumb line….back and forth and back and forth….rumination central with a healthy dose of self doubt mixed in (this course selection part and strategy has been my biggest challenge). All the while the swells were heaving Haunani to and fro, which means I was flying around in my bunk, which does not make for restful sleep at all. Then, add in the awesome AIS alarms going off at 3 am that I could not silence for the life of me. Imagine the shriekiest noise on earth and that is what I was dealing with (in this pissed off mindset no less). Of course I am grateful to have such alarms, but when they are going off every 5 seconds warning me of a boat I already know is there…..seriously, I could’ve jumped out of my skin! On top of that, I hadn’t showered (except one bucket shower) in 10 days and I felt disgusting. The obnoxious swells that send my sails (and me) flopping and slamming are enough to make me insane. The new noises inside my mast that sound like a shaker full of metal are beyond annoying, and add heartily to my irritability.

I am being a little dramatic and facetious, but you get the idea. My reality of living aboard a 34 foot vessel bobbing around in the middle of the Pacific became very unromantic this morning and it got to me. I suppose it is par for the course after being alone at sea for 10 days, but I wasn’t expecting it because until now I had felt so great and positive. I had to take a lot of deep breaths and then get over myself to face all of my daily tasks. I had some coffee, got a great pep talk from Thomas and some wonderful supportive messages from my friends and family, which helped a lot, but I still felt like shit. SO I had a little talk with myself….time to turn this all around!

I put on some music, made some pancakes (without eggs I might add, since they all froze and cracked from the dry ice –can you say buzz kill?), and not so patiently awaited a warm “shower”. The engine was charging the batteries, and as soon as the water was hot, I was in there! After my luscious shower, I tried to tackle my spinnaker so I could get this ship headed downwind to make some better headway (again still annoyed with myself and lack of experience in strategy and navigation of this sort). I bit off more than I could chew however and tried to fly it in too much breeze (for my comfort and skill level). It was more than a handful and by the end of that exercise I needed another shower! I am glad I tried, but I will stick to my genoa if the breeze is too much, which is frustrating because I cannot efficiently head straight downwind, which is what I need to do. This morning was the morning of what the f*ck am I doing out here anyway? Who’s brilliant idea WAS this…as I got catapulted across my galley one more time.

I just came back to writing this after finally feeding myself. I am already feeling better and turning it all around, but in closing, I want to remind myself that all of this challenging stuff is just as important as the rest (if even for comic relief) and it feels good to be able to express my feelings about it so that I can move through it all! It’s all about balance in the end right? Here is to the ups and downs and all the twists and turns of this and every journey…and life. And, here is to living in the moment and accepting that I will arrive exactly when I am meant to. All I can do is sail my boat as fast as I can, to the best of my ability and let the rest go. Easier said than done, but I am working on it! And, by the way, never underestimate the power of coffee, pancakes, cleanliness and old school Jimmy Buffet!!